Have you ever felt this strange affinity to another human being without ever meeting them and barely even knowing them, but just by reading their words? I have. Many times. And this next interview is with one of those people.
M: Would you like to introduce yourself in your own words?
G: I'm Gauri, a 40+ parent of a young child, a person who trained as a social psychologist, someone who enjoys working in research and education, and a late identified Neurodivergent adult.
M: So, let's start at the very beginning. Can we tell me a bit more about your childhood?
G: I was an only child, and lived in a place where other kids weren't easily accessible. My parents and other caregivers often did not have the time/ability to take me to my friends’ homes. Thankfully I loved reading and rereading books added to the experience. Because of this, I loved school, because it was my primary source of social interaction with peers and non-familial adults. I was a very verbal child and enjoyed school, so the rest of my challenges -picky eating, meltdowns from being overwhelmed, sensory sensitivity - went basically unnoticed. The stuff people did notice - like my inability to accept social hierarchies - were used to label me difficult.
I grew up constantly feeling like a well liked but fringe character in all friend circles. I kept finding reasons for it - not being allowed access to popular media, lack of belief in God and religion, or being female (In a primarily male school-friends group). None of this was false, but also none of it was adequate for social side-lining. The truth is, I didn't think about things or see things the same as others a lot of times, and kids find differences hard to handle.
It took me years to understand that when people said things like “you are so different”, “your views are so different”, “that's such a fresh attitude” they were processing my being different from their expectations. Eventually I learned to lean into it…. If I was going to be treated as difficult to digest, I'd give them something to ruminate about. Of course, by the time I learnt to enjoy this I was in my 20s.
M: I think a lot of us struggled with being different as kids. I feel that the generation now is doing a slightly better job at handling differences than what ours did. What do you think? Also, you mentioned you started enjoying your differences. How did you do that? Asking for a friend ;)
G: I hope the present generation is doing better. But some of it is therapy at work, the rest is earlier acceptance because earlier diagnosis. TBH, I see my 6 year old already paying the price of being different. But yes, we are working on giving kids tools we didn't have, so hopefully their period of discomfort/loneliness is shorter.
As for enjoying being different… it initially developed as a coping mechanism. I was tired of feeling bad about being the oddball, but I had no way to change that. Around the time i was doing my Master's in Social Psychology, some of the books we were reading helped me realise that the stuff made social life messy is what helped me analyze and understand research. So I just Leaned into that.
M: When and how did you get your autism diagnosis?
G: I don't actually have an official diagnosis, I'm self identified. My kid has a diagnosis of autism. When we (husband and me) realized they were ND, we started doing our research on what that meant for them, and how to support them. Soon my husband and me both realised that we identified with a lot of what ND advocates were talking about. In time, this led to more research and then established self DX tools which verified that I was ND, and being Autistic was part of that profile. If it's more accurate for you, you can call me and ND (possibly Autistic) person - that's verified by my reoccurring episodes of depression and anxiety.
M: Can you share some of those resources for our readers who might want to go down a self diagnosis spiral?
G: These were a lot of different self report questionnaires like the RAADS-R,AQ questionnaire, questionnaires on masking, ADHD, camouflaged traits, etc. I don't trust any of them fully, but each of them provided a part of the puzzle. The most important thing though, was reading the lived experiences of other low support autists.
M:What impact did it have on you?
G: At the point I was doing the self Dx, I was already pretty sure that I wasn't NT. My self Dx didn't really change my life much, except the language I used to identify myself (Autistic/ND person). I already had been accommodating myself because of the mental health struggles I've had through most of my adult life. So outside of some additional grace I gave myself, and having some answers for why I had had mental health challenges, nothing really changed. I did feel genuinely happy that I would be part of the community my child would be supported by.
M: Are you comfortable talking a bit more about your mental health struggles? What part do you think autism plays in that?
G: I've struggled with depression and anxiety. For most of my adult life, and definitely at least one episode in my teens. I'll have a couple of years clear, and then I'm back on the spiral. I'm now reasonably sure that most of it is fueled by ND burnout, because I wasn't able to pinpoint what was pushing my mental health to its limits before. Now I know a few of the things, but still working on how to really accommodate myself while still being my child's primary caregiver. It's a very fine balance that I almost never get right.
M: What support needs or accommodations do you need in your day to day?
G: I need quiet time/processing time a lot - something that is not easily available when you have a young child. So I tend to have days when I get a lot done, and days I get nothing done. Another thing I do need is help with household work. A lot of the cooking and cleaning puts sensory stress on me, so I can either do that or other things. So it becomes important to delegate some of this work to others. Frankly I'm still working out what I'm “pushing through” to get done and what is firmly in my comfort zone.
M: What did you study and why?
G: I studied Psychology. My specialization is in Social Psychology, a field dedicated to understanding what drives human behaviour in different, everyday and special situations. It comes from a desire to understand how human brains work, to why people do the things they do, to trying to make sense of a perpetually confusing world. The problem is, the deeper I dig, the more questions I have.
M: That is so fascinating. Can you tell me a bit more about your work? What kind of research were you into? Anything interesting that came out of the studies?
G: I was teaching more than doing research. The work i've done has been in the field of impact of screen time on mental health and cognitive processing, how people experience the same material differently when you change the context, etc. Nothing very big.
M: How did you meet your husband? Do you think you both being ND had something to do with your connection?
G: I met him in college. We dated briefly back then, but then went our ways. Grewup, had other relationships, and reconnected. In time we realised we actually could handle a relationship better now.
Neither of us knew we were ND, but I guess you don't need the label to be able to understand the other persons stressors or communication style. I definitely know very few people would be able to put up with either of our shit, but for the most we are just able to with each other.
M: What was your reaction when you got your child’s diagnosis? Was there any fear? If yes, what helped you get out of it?
G: At the point of confirming the diagnosis we already knew for a while that they were Autistic. So it was just paperwork. It was more for demanding accommodations at school and to make the grandparents accept reality at that point.
As for fear… I'm still terrified everyday. Not because my child is Autistic, that was never a reason. But for whether thry will receive the support they need and deserve, and about how to help them navigate the trials of growing up ND in an NT world. Right now it's friends and rejection of peers. Later it will be different. But none of these are fears about my kid being Autistic. They are fears about the world not understanding them.
M: Do you think autism has an impact on you in your role as a parent?
G: Of course it has. It both helps me and holds me back. I get some of their stuff, because I was/am the same. They have a harder time sometimes because I'm often working with limited resources and don't give them the grace I should.
M: In our interactions outside of this interview, one of my many favorite things I have seen you talk about is teaching our kids self advocacy. Can you talk a little bit about that?
G: I can't take credit for this. A speech therapist I respect pointed me in this direction with my kid. And it helped them communicate better, and so led to more self confidence and connection with others. I'm just passing the idea on.
This is not an ND issue. This is a widespread problem that affects all kids that aren't consciously taught to stand up for themselves. Most of us in India don't think to teach our kids this. We have all been raised with the idea that "teach your child to be kind, to accommodate, to put others ahead, to share (even to self detriment)". When this lesson reaches an ND mind, it becomes their default - because a rule is a rule. What NT children learn quickly is to break this rule. That's why ND kids get bullied easily.
The solution - teach your child self advocacy. Teach them that they do not have to meet others expectations, can protect their things, and they do not have to do something that's not good for them. Teach them to take help from an adult when in trouble. It could be concepts or scripts. Of course we need to teach them to be respectful, considerate, and kind. But this has to be for themselves as well as for others.
M: If you could talk to the young Gauri, maybe 10-15 years old, what would you say to her?
G: “You aren't the problem”, I guess. She needed to hear that.
M: What is something you wish more people understood about autism?
G: Autism isn't the exact same as cognitive struggles/disability, nor is it the same as learning disability. It just so happens that it is most often caught in people who happen to have more than one of these. Regardless, they are independent - if intertwined - parts of how the person's mind works. There are a million ways autism looks, because there are a million combinations of how the factors that make up divergence present. Just because someone “looks like they have autism lite” from the outside doesn't mean that they don't have things that drain their core going on. And just because someone has complex support needs, doesn't mean they won't achieve in any sphere.
M: If you were to run into a very dear friend today, who is just coming back from the hospital after receiving an autism diagnosis for their child, what is it that you would like to tell them?
G: “Here's my research, these are the Social media people to follow, here's self DX resources. It's hard, like good parenting should be… but you and your child have some fantastic company (meaning my family).”
M: I want to ask you a personal question, and it is purely out of curiosity. You can say “none of your business”, but I will still go ahead and just ask it. Why did you shave your head?
G: Oh, that's a simple one.
I had middle length hair all my adult life, but post pregnancy my hair was terrible. Around the time kiddo was one and half, we were giving her a buzz cut for summer, I decided to join her to optimize hair and scalp health. I had decided to keep it super small for a few months, but in those months I realised I enjoyed the look. I like how it looks, and I don't have to deal with hair harassing my face (my biggest problem with hair). So I kept the look.
It also helps that it immediately signals to people that I'm not a traditional person, it reduces peoples expectations from me in that regard.
I always get asked how I handle the social side of things. The truth is, I don't register it. If someone is actively uncomfortable, I don't experience it as my problem. When someone is worried it's a health thing, I'm quick to reassure them it's not. But besides that I don't feel impacted by others opinions about my appearance much.
M: Any last thoughts you would like to leave our readers with?
G: If you have questions about how an autistic person feels/ what help they need, just ask them respectfully.
Rapid fire-
Favorite book - best I can do is genres: sci-fi and fantasy s&s
Favorite movie - same as above
Favorite singer - my kid
A moment of your life that makes you happy - the first time my kiddo mumbled an unprompted “I love you”. It's still a big deal because there's a total of about 5 times that's happened.
What is something people often get wrong about you - they think I thrive on socialization. I don't. I thrive on carefully calculated doses of socialization and lots of alone time.
A core childhood memory - sitting in a corner of my terrace, reading and snacking.
What is something you are struggling with right now - getting back to research. I love the work and miss it so much, but I don't have the bandwidth to do even half of what I consider acceptable work.
What is a recent accomplishment you are proud of - I've become a vocal advocate for my kid. It's something I have no personal template for… so breaking the mold, I guess.
I first found Gauri in an autism support group. She would answer parent queries. I didn't know her face, I have never heard her voice, but somehow, I really started liking her. Gauri is like a big puzzle, and in each interaction, I would get one more piece of her. And the more pieces I could put together, the more I started liking her. And what was not to like? She is the perfect combination of strength and softness. She is confident and gentle, resilient and kind. She will give you space to be, but also won't take any shit. She wouldn't hesitate to disagree with you, but wouldn't force her opinions on you either. If I go on and on about all the qualities I truly admire in her, I think I will need a whole other post. But it is quite rare that you meet people who are so sorted, so mature, so secure, so amazing! And I thank my luck for having crossed paths with her. I have loved every single interview in this series so far, but this one is a teeny tiny bit more special because of how much I adore Gauri and how much I would like to add the same qualities to my own life.
Best thing about Gauri, in my moments of vulnerability, of weakness, of doubts as a parent, she has always given me a kind reality check, that helps me take of my negativity glasses and see things for what they are. Somehow just knowing her and reading her words have made me a more confident and realistic parent.
I hope you are as excited to read this one as I was.
G: I'm Gauri, a 40+ parent of a young child, a person who trained as a social psychologist, someone who enjoys working in research and education, and a late identified Neurodivergent adult.
M: So, let's start at the very beginning. Can we tell me a bit more about your childhood?
G: I was an only child, and lived in a place where other kids weren't easily accessible. My parents and other caregivers often did not have the time/ability to take me to my friends’ homes. Thankfully I loved reading and rereading books added to the experience. Because of this, I loved school, because it was my primary source of social interaction with peers and non-familial adults. I was a very verbal child and enjoyed school, so the rest of my challenges -picky eating, meltdowns from being overwhelmed, sensory sensitivity - went basically unnoticed. The stuff people did notice - like my inability to accept social hierarchies - were used to label me difficult.
I grew up constantly feeling like a well liked but fringe character in all friend circles. I kept finding reasons for it - not being allowed access to popular media, lack of belief in God and religion, or being female (In a primarily male school-friends group). None of this was false, but also none of it was adequate for social side-lining. The truth is, I didn't think about things or see things the same as others a lot of times, and kids find differences hard to handle.
It took me years to understand that when people said things like “you are so different”, “your views are so different”, “that's such a fresh attitude” they were processing my being different from their expectations. Eventually I learned to lean into it…. If I was going to be treated as difficult to digest, I'd give them something to ruminate about. Of course, by the time I learnt to enjoy this I was in my 20s.
M: I think a lot of us struggled with being different as kids. I feel that the generation now is doing a slightly better job at handling differences than what ours did. What do you think? Also, you mentioned you started enjoying your differences. How did you do that? Asking for a friend ;)
G: I hope the present generation is doing better. But some of it is therapy at work, the rest is earlier acceptance because earlier diagnosis. TBH, I see my 6 year old already paying the price of being different. But yes, we are working on giving kids tools we didn't have, so hopefully their period of discomfort/loneliness is shorter.
As for enjoying being different… it initially developed as a coping mechanism. I was tired of feeling bad about being the oddball, but I had no way to change that. Around the time i was doing my Master's in Social Psychology, some of the books we were reading helped me realise that the stuff made social life messy is what helped me analyze and understand research. So I just Leaned into that.
M: When and how did you get your autism diagnosis?
G: I don't actually have an official diagnosis, I'm self identified. My kid has a diagnosis of autism. When we (husband and me) realized they were ND, we started doing our research on what that meant for them, and how to support them. Soon my husband and me both realised that we identified with a lot of what ND advocates were talking about. In time, this led to more research and then established self DX tools which verified that I was ND, and being Autistic was part of that profile. If it's more accurate for you, you can call me and ND (possibly Autistic) person - that's verified by my reoccurring episodes of depression and anxiety.
M: Can you share some of those resources for our readers who might want to go down a self diagnosis spiral?
G: These were a lot of different self report questionnaires like the RAADS-R,AQ questionnaire, questionnaires on masking, ADHD, camouflaged traits, etc. I don't trust any of them fully, but each of them provided a part of the puzzle. The most important thing though, was reading the lived experiences of other low support autists.
M:What impact did it have on you?
G: At the point I was doing the self Dx, I was already pretty sure that I wasn't NT. My self Dx didn't really change my life much, except the language I used to identify myself (Autistic/ND person). I already had been accommodating myself because of the mental health struggles I've had through most of my adult life. So outside of some additional grace I gave myself, and having some answers for why I had had mental health challenges, nothing really changed. I did feel genuinely happy that I would be part of the community my child would be supported by.
M: Are you comfortable talking a bit more about your mental health struggles? What part do you think autism plays in that?
G: I've struggled with depression and anxiety. For most of my adult life, and definitely at least one episode in my teens. I'll have a couple of years clear, and then I'm back on the spiral. I'm now reasonably sure that most of it is fueled by ND burnout, because I wasn't able to pinpoint what was pushing my mental health to its limits before. Now I know a few of the things, but still working on how to really accommodate myself while still being my child's primary caregiver. It's a very fine balance that I almost never get right.
M: What support needs or accommodations do you need in your day to day?
G: I need quiet time/processing time a lot - something that is not easily available when you have a young child. So I tend to have days when I get a lot done, and days I get nothing done. Another thing I do need is help with household work. A lot of the cooking and cleaning puts sensory stress on me, so I can either do that or other things. So it becomes important to delegate some of this work to others. Frankly I'm still working out what I'm “pushing through” to get done and what is firmly in my comfort zone.
M: What did you study and why?
G: I studied Psychology. My specialization is in Social Psychology, a field dedicated to understanding what drives human behaviour in different, everyday and special situations. It comes from a desire to understand how human brains work, to why people do the things they do, to trying to make sense of a perpetually confusing world. The problem is, the deeper I dig, the more questions I have.
M: That is so fascinating. Can you tell me a bit more about your work? What kind of research were you into? Anything interesting that came out of the studies?
G: I was teaching more than doing research. The work i've done has been in the field of impact of screen time on mental health and cognitive processing, how people experience the same material differently when you change the context, etc. Nothing very big.
M: How did you meet your husband? Do you think you both being ND had something to do with your connection?
G: I met him in college. We dated briefly back then, but then went our ways. Grewup, had other relationships, and reconnected. In time we realised we actually could handle a relationship better now.
Neither of us knew we were ND, but I guess you don't need the label to be able to understand the other persons stressors or communication style. I definitely know very few people would be able to put up with either of our shit, but for the most we are just able to with each other.
M: What was your reaction when you got your child’s diagnosis? Was there any fear? If yes, what helped you get out of it?
G: At the point of confirming the diagnosis we already knew for a while that they were Autistic. So it was just paperwork. It was more for demanding accommodations at school and to make the grandparents accept reality at that point.
As for fear… I'm still terrified everyday. Not because my child is Autistic, that was never a reason. But for whether thry will receive the support they need and deserve, and about how to help them navigate the trials of growing up ND in an NT world. Right now it's friends and rejection of peers. Later it will be different. But none of these are fears about my kid being Autistic. They are fears about the world not understanding them.
M: Do you think autism has an impact on you in your role as a parent?
G: Of course it has. It both helps me and holds me back. I get some of their stuff, because I was/am the same. They have a harder time sometimes because I'm often working with limited resources and don't give them the grace I should.
M: In our interactions outside of this interview, one of my many favorite things I have seen you talk about is teaching our kids self advocacy. Can you talk a little bit about that?
G: I can't take credit for this. A speech therapist I respect pointed me in this direction with my kid. And it helped them communicate better, and so led to more self confidence and connection with others. I'm just passing the idea on.
This is not an ND issue. This is a widespread problem that affects all kids that aren't consciously taught to stand up for themselves. Most of us in India don't think to teach our kids this. We have all been raised with the idea that "teach your child to be kind, to accommodate, to put others ahead, to share (even to self detriment)". When this lesson reaches an ND mind, it becomes their default - because a rule is a rule. What NT children learn quickly is to break this rule. That's why ND kids get bullied easily.
The solution - teach your child self advocacy. Teach them that they do not have to meet others expectations, can protect their things, and they do not have to do something that's not good for them. Teach them to take help from an adult when in trouble. It could be concepts or scripts. Of course we need to teach them to be respectful, considerate, and kind. But this has to be for themselves as well as for others.
M: If you could talk to the young Gauri, maybe 10-15 years old, what would you say to her?
G: “You aren't the problem”, I guess. She needed to hear that.
M: What is something you wish more people understood about autism?
G: Autism isn't the exact same as cognitive struggles/disability, nor is it the same as learning disability. It just so happens that it is most often caught in people who happen to have more than one of these. Regardless, they are independent - if intertwined - parts of how the person's mind works. There are a million ways autism looks, because there are a million combinations of how the factors that make up divergence present. Just because someone “looks like they have autism lite” from the outside doesn't mean that they don't have things that drain their core going on. And just because someone has complex support needs, doesn't mean they won't achieve in any sphere.
M: If you were to run into a very dear friend today, who is just coming back from the hospital after receiving an autism diagnosis for their child, what is it that you would like to tell them?
G: “Here's my research, these are the Social media people to follow, here's self DX resources. It's hard, like good parenting should be… but you and your child have some fantastic company (meaning my family).”
M: I want to ask you a personal question, and it is purely out of curiosity. You can say “none of your business”, but I will still go ahead and just ask it. Why did you shave your head?
G: Oh, that's a simple one.
I had middle length hair all my adult life, but post pregnancy my hair was terrible. Around the time kiddo was one and half, we were giving her a buzz cut for summer, I decided to join her to optimize hair and scalp health. I had decided to keep it super small for a few months, but in those months I realised I enjoyed the look. I like how it looks, and I don't have to deal with hair harassing my face (my biggest problem with hair). So I kept the look.
It also helps that it immediately signals to people that I'm not a traditional person, it reduces peoples expectations from me in that regard.
I always get asked how I handle the social side of things. The truth is, I don't register it. If someone is actively uncomfortable, I don't experience it as my problem. When someone is worried it's a health thing, I'm quick to reassure them it's not. But besides that I don't feel impacted by others opinions about my appearance much.
M: Any last thoughts you would like to leave our readers with?
G: If you have questions about how an autistic person feels/ what help they need, just ask them respectfully.
Rapid fire-
Favorite book - best I can do is genres: sci-fi and fantasy s&s
Favorite movie - same as above
Favorite singer - my kid
A moment of your life that makes you happy - the first time my kiddo mumbled an unprompted “I love you”. It's still a big deal because there's a total of about 5 times that's happened.
What is something people often get wrong about you - they think I thrive on socialization. I don't. I thrive on carefully calculated doses of socialization and lots of alone time.
A core childhood memory - sitting in a corner of my terrace, reading and snacking.
What is something you are struggling with right now - getting back to research. I love the work and miss it so much, but I don't have the bandwidth to do even half of what I consider acceptable work.
What is a recent accomplishment you are proud of - I've become a vocal advocate for my kid. It's something I have no personal template for… so breaking the mold, I guess.
Thank you so much Gauri for your time and patience, I really enjoyed our interview, and I hope in future we can do a part 2.
You can always interview and get views from people on high functioning end of spectrum. What about lower end of spectrum? will you be able to get more stories from low functioning end of autism. That’s the place where people need more support, accomodation and acceptance.
ReplyDeleteThere’s no high or low end of spectrum. It’s not like the ones with seemingly low support needs get anything either. Which means they suffer tremendously.
DeleteShe also has an interview by a non speaking autistic if that’s what you meant but hell if there’s anyone I’d call high functioning it’d be the award winning non speaker Aditi Sowmyanarayan.
Do keep reading to educate yourself on autism and avoid making such comments