What will my child’s future look like?

Disclaimer - This post is going to be haphazard, because I myself don’t have the clarity that I would like to offer to you. 

I would be lying if I say this question has never haunted me. But over time, I had found my peace with it. Until a few days ago. Whatsapp groups were abuzz with the news of the death of an autistic teen/young adult due to negligence in an autistic living community. Though there is a lot to discuss on the topic of safety in such communities and at home, that is not what this post is about. 

When I read that news, my heart went out for the person who lost his life, and also to the parents. A few people mentioned that the parents should have never sent their kid to the ashram. Yeah, maybe, in hindsight, definitely. But, being a parent myself, I started thinking, what if in future, because of whatever reason, I end up in a position where I am not able to give the best care possible to my child. Maybe I am not physically fit enough to keep up, maybe I don’t have the support, it could be anything. Would I myself not want to rely on an institution that promises to keep my child safe and fulfilled. It took me down 2 trains of thoughts.

The first one was, what will my child’s future be like? Will they ever be able to live independently? Will they ever be able to communicate fluently? Will they ever get to a point where they won’t need me anymore? I am sure I am not the only parent who gets such thoughts. I have heard friends who have autistic kids voice the same concerns. And this isn’t the first time that I have had these thoughts either. I have spent a considerable amount of time with these thoughts. I did find my peace as well, and then when I heard about this incident, fear took over. So here I am, in that place of fear, looking it in the eye, and trying to get back to my peace. It is important for me to acknowledge that I am in a place of fear. When we are in fear, our thoughts are distorted. I don’t feel I can fully trust the thoughts I get from this place. So I will rely on the thoughts that I had gotten when I was not in a place of fear and hope that they show me the way to come out once again.

Nobody knows. That's the answer. Nobody can know. Nobody will know. But wait, here’s where it gets interesting. It has nothing to do with autism. This answer does not depend on whether your child is autistic or not. Even if you have a neurotypical child, you do not know what their future is going to look like. If you think you do, let me tell you, you are wrong. You don’t know it for a fact, like how you know that the sun rises from the east. You hope that your child has a good future, but you don’t really know. Many neurotypical kids do amazing things and go on to have wonderful lives. Many neurotypical kids end up on the wrong paths, and end up having a shitty life. Yeah we can do a bunch of research on the impact of childhood, and other factors, but even then, the human race is not evolved enough right now to definitively tell what an individual's future is going to look like. Forget about your kids, you can’t tell what your life will look like in another 5 years. Will you be alive? Will you still have a job? Will you and your spouse still be together? Yeah there is a downside to all the uncertainty, but there is an upside too. The unknown is scary to a person in fear, but exciting to a person in belief. A belief that whatever it will be, good, bad or ugly, eventually in the hindsight, it will all make sense. It will all fall in place. 

Yeah, when it comes to our kids, especially if you are still in the “autism is a tragedy” phase (no judgment, that’s where we all start, because we don’t know better, hugs to you and handing over hope that you get out of that phase soon), all you have access to is fear. You do not have access to belief, to hope, to excitement. You are still making sense of what just happened. What do we do then? Well, it sounds really simple in words, but can be very challenging in practice. You focus on the now. You focus on what you can do now. Learn about autism, unlearn everything that does not serve you or your child, tune in to your child, teach them life skills, teach them everything that you can, and everything that they can learn, create a support system around them, find other neuro affirming parents, advocate for your child, accommodate your child, give your child the best possible childhood that you can, and most importantly, love them, for who they are, right in this moment, with all their uniqueness. That is really all that we can do, and hope that they find their path in life. Hope is more powerful than you give it the credit for. Hope is that single speck of light in a completely dark place that can keep you sane. 

For the longest time this was the only thought that I had that helped me whenever the worry of the future creeped in. And it served me and continues to serve me incredibly well. Every time one side of my brain goes, what will happen, what will happen, what will happen, the other side of my brain goes, focus on the now, focus on the now, focus on the now. It works for all my other worries too, and not just the kids. But sometime last year, I found another amazing thought. If you have read my introduction, you may already know that I am a self diagnosed autistic. This diagnosis, along with a better understanding of my own self and what makes me tick and why I am the way I am, gave me a hope that if I have managed so far, maybe my kids will too. But when I read about the boy who lost his life, I started to wonder, how can two people have the same diagnosis when they visually look so different? 

This is the second train of thought. This is still very fresh, very premature, very embryonic to be shared with the world. But this is definitely something that I want to explore more, understand better, and hopefully in a near future, be able to articulate on. 

For now, I will leave you with the thought that all you have is the present. You cannot control what will unfold in the future, but you can control what you choose to do right now. Choose wisely. You may be in fear right now, like I am, but try not to get stuck in it. Try to make your way out of it. Run, walk, crawl, whatever you can do. Write about it, like I did, if that’s your jam, hug your child, talk to your parents, your friends, do something to find a way out. Just don’t get stuck in fear. Don’t let the present slip by you because you were too worried about the future. Hold on to hope, to your belief. Let it anchor you through this storm.