Unique Personalized Value Systems

 Why does everyone, especially neurodivergent people, need a unique personalized value system?

So imagine this. I ask you to tell me the weight of an apple in meters. No matter what sorcery you do, you will not be able to answer. But if I ask you to explain the weight of the apple in your own way, you might say this apple weighs the same as this tennis ball, or you may say this apple weighs more than this grape, but less than this mango. You will explain it in your own unique way. And I may or may not understand completely, but you will. You will not be breaking your head trying to align your understanding to my value system.

Life is similar to this, in some sense. Because we live in a social structure, we often find ourselves unintentionally comparing ourselves to others. In some sense, we are trained from birth to do that. At every step, every breath, we are compared to others. And at some point, we internalize it too. We start doing it, even when no one asks us to.

The flaw with this system is that we compare ourselves to some standard value system. This value system does not take into consideration our unique strengths and challenges. So we often find ourselves lagging behind. 

Before we talk about the value system, let's talk a little bit more about comparison. When it comes to comparison, I have a favorite analogy. 

All your life, you have been told, in words and otherwise, that life is a race. And you are racing against your peers. People in the same age group as you, people you share a classroom with, or the year of birth. There is a start, there is a middle, and there is an end. There are winners and of course, there are losers. 

But what if, for a moment, think with me, life isn’t a race.

So let’s say you are going to the office in your car. You are waiting for the traffic light to turn. There are a few hundred people with you on that signal. Some are in a car like you, some on a two wheeler, some on cycle, some in auto. Your destination is still 20 kms. The person in the car next to you is 5 mins away from their destination. At this moment, you are peers. But are you in a race? He will reach his destination before you will reach yours. Does that mean he won? Should you hit top speed just to do better than him? 

The signal turns green. You move on. You may never see the guy in the next car again in your life. Now comes another signal. A new set of peers. A new set of origins and destinations.

What if life isn’t a race, but just one stop signal after another? Comparison with others is pointless not because that’s the trend. But because comparison with others will not lead you anywhere. If you are on a cycle and your destination is just 200 meters away and someone passes you by in a Ferrari, but they have to travel another 200 kms to reach their destination, which one of you is better?  Who won? We can’t answer that because the question itself is flawed.

The problem is not comparison. The problem is who we are comparing with. Our only comparison is with ourselves. If I take the same route to work every morning, I should compare and try to find the shortest route possible, for me to be faster. Even then there will be outside factors that I don’t have much control on - like rain and traffic. But I should strive to do my best in the moment.

All your life you have been told that life is a race, but maybe it is not. Maybe it’s a road trip. There is no hurry to reach a certain destination and check some boxes. We are here to enjoy the scenery, the wind in our hair, the fresh air, the journey itself.

If we keep comparing an apple to the moon, the apple will look worthless, because it is so tiny, almost negligible in front of the moon. But when you are hungry, you cannot eat the moon. Everything has its worth, its own place in the world.

So what exactly is this “unique personalized” value system? These are values that matter to you. Values that you have defined for yourself. Standards that you have set with the deep understanding that you have of your strengths and challenges. It's like wearing a garment perfectly tailored specifically for you. It fits you exactly the way you want it to. It takes care of all your curves and dips. So you are not squeezing and stretching yourself to fit into something that was made for the “generic” population. 

Now to the interesting question, why do we even need it? It does sound like a lot of work. I mean, you will have to know and understand yourself deeply and intimately to even be able to take a stab at something like this, right? And not a lot of people know themselves all that well. 

When you have that unique personalized value system, you can use it as your guardrails. Every thought, every action, every person, relationship, job, decision, absolutely everything in your life can then be compared to the value system. If it aligns, it is in. If not, no matter how much anyone tries to sell you on it, it's out. It helps you live your most authentic life. It helps you understand what is something that you want, and what is something that you have been conditioned to wanting. It's that very small difference that does not become very evident at the start, but a few years go by, and it's like a completely different life.

You still chase things, but not what the society or parents or whatever that invisible construct is asks us to. You chase things that align to your values. You still strive to do better, be better, but that “better” is something you define for yourself. And when you get there, it fuels and strengthens your value system even more. In the simplest sense, your value system is the scaffolding that you will eventually grow into. But because it is uniquely created for you, you grow up to be your own person, and not another generic clone. 

Your unique personalized value system will be the most important factor in what will eventually make you, YOU!

(Here is the value system I had put for myself a few years ago, strictly for reference.)