Better Help.

 When I was little, maybe around 7 years old, I used to help my brother learn his poems. In my way of helping, I would do all the actions for him, make sure he learns every single line and do it exactly the way I want to. When I would ask him how it went, did he do all the actions, he used to say he could barely remember the poem, forget about the actions, and laugh. I wouldn’t find it funny back then. I used to get furious, that after all the time and energy I spent teaching him, how could he forget.

When I was around 10-11, a very close friend of mine scored poorly in maths. I was quite good at maths, so I took it upon myself to “help” her. I started tutoring her in our free periods. But I was too strict. I demanded too much. I didn’t create much space for her to make errors. I would give her practice questions, on top of the existing homework that both of us would already have. I would give some credit to myself for taking out the time to draft those questions, that's how badly I wanted to help her. I wanted her to just do it the way I am doing it. Maths was one of my favorite subjects, and I genuinely enjoyed solving problems. No prize for guessing, but it didn’t last. She was happier scoring less marks than going through my demanding tutoring.

Very recently, I have been quite active in certain groups on Whatsapp. In one of those groups, someone was sharing their struggle with something, and I had faced similar experiences. So, I did what I thought was best. I shared my own experience with them. Nothing wrong with it, but I never asked them if that was what they were looking for. 

I was thinking about all these incidents, and though I am definitely doing better than the 7 or 10 year old me, I feel like there is scope to do even better. If helping people is really one of my passions, then I owe it to myself and to everyone else to do it better. I had this nagging feeling, that there is something missing, something I am not getting right.

Then this morning, I saw a post by Brene. She has started a new community on her website, and she has also put some guidelines on how to participate. (I would highly encourage you to read them, even if you don’t plan to be part of this particular community. In a very simple way, Brene has yet again taught people how to do communities right). That lit my brain bulb. I could finally figure out what I was really doing wrong. 

I feel that oftentimes people don’t want solutions handed to them, even if that is what they ask for. Rather they want you to guide them, nudge them towards the solution. Because your solution may not work for them. They need a custom tailor made solution that takes into account their uniqueness. And only they can create that solution for themselves. 

And that is what I think I need to improve upon. Yeah my intentions were not bad, not now, not when I was 10, not when I was 7. But that’s not enough. If I can do better, I don’t want to hide behind “my intentions were good” and not get uncomfortable in accepting I can do better.

And I want to do better.

So far, I have gone from

“Shoving my solution down your throat”

To

“Here is what worked for me, on a platter. Take it and see if it works for you”.

But what I realized I am missing is

“Hey, what are you in the mood for? Do you want to be heard or do you want to know what might have worked for me?”

And

“This is what worked for me, but let’s talk more about you. That way you will be able to customize this template to your uniqueness.”

Once I was able to verbalize it, I realized how valuable this knowledge is not only when you are helping out friends or strangers on the internet, but also when you are parenting or mentoring someone at work. When you have an understanding that what worked for you may not work for others, simply because they are not you, you also have the maturity that your role in their life isn't to be the one to solve everything, rather just share your knowledge, guide them, and help them solve their problems themselves. Their solution may have hints of yours, but it will still be theirs. Let them personalize it. It is not about you, its about them.

I recently told someone, you cannot be really good at something without being terrible at it first. So, here is me taking my own wise advice, I am planning to use this experience to get better at helping people. Because helping others is something that I have been very passionate about, for as long as I can remember. Here’s to better help.